Fancypants Truffles

I have a confession to make. It has to do with swimsuits.

My logic, as silly as it is, sounds something like this in my head: "Why would I spend $80 or $100 for two pieces of fabric that aren't large enough to cover a lampshade? And especially since I'll only be wearing it for...what....like, 4 hours at a time during a few select days in this short-lived summer? I would so much rather buy a new pair of fancy running socks or a down pillow or a trip to Barbados." After these thoughts roll through my noggin, it's usually only a moment before I resign myself to the same swimsuit situation I had last year, a bright green sport bra and a dark brown bikini bottom I've had since high school. The thing is, the bottom is so worn and saggy that I have to put a pair of equally worn and saggy blue shorts over it to keep me from mooning everyone. I stagger through the summer looking only slightly more fashionable than someone in a hospital gown, deciding to finally by a decent swimsuit next year. Then the snow comes and I completely forget about it until I can feel my fingers and toes again.

Well, that time is now. And let me just say, HOOFREAKIN'RAY for that!!!!!!!

It was two days ago while (oddly enough) making these fantastic truffles for a pair of fantastic chicas that I realized how quickly Memorial Day is coming and with it, how soon I'll actually be laying on a dock by a lake with no cares in the world except how much longer I can soak up the joy before having to run inside for more sunblock. So, I mixed up the truffle centers, put them in the fridge to set up, sat down with my computer, and proceeded to buy myself a real swimsuit for the first time. Ever.

It's black. It's sexy. It's awesome. And now it's mine.

These truffles are yours. They're brown. They're chocolate. They're fancy. They go great with wine and black swimsuits, especially since they won't make your booty sag with animal fat.

The original version of this recipe (that I so graciously adapted from The Vegan Table) called for a whole container of Tofutti cream cheese and two bags of chocolate chips, which I thought would make WAY too many truffles. I mean, really. Do 4 people need 60 truffles? Nah. I chopped the recipe in half and still had truffles running out my ears!

First, we gotta melt the chocolate. You want good stuff, ok? No nasty dairy allowed either, since we're making puss-free truffles. (Did I gross you out just there? Sorry.) Many dark chocolates are already vegan, but take a gander at the label just to make sure. Nestle and Hershey's are both full of nasties. (Again, sorry.) I used a bag of Whole Foods store brand vegan chocolate chips and spent a whole $2.49 on them. It wasn't hard.

Back to melting the fabulous chocolate! Create a double boiler on your stove by filling a large pot about halfway with water, cranking up the heat, then putting another bowl down over the top (a metal one...duh). The boiling water underneath will melt the chips slowly without burning them, which is definitely a good thing. Dump 1 1/2 cups of chips into the bowl to melt. That's most of one bag.

While it's workin', grab your mixer (be it hand-held or not), combine:
1/2 container Tofutti cream cheese
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar

Beat at high speed until the mixture is reeeeeally smooth with zeeeeero chunks, then stir in your melted chocolate (it should be nearly ready). It'll look pretty when it first goes in...
...but isn't ready for the fridge until it looks like this:
Smoooooth, baby. When it looks like really thick frosting, dump the whole thing into a container with a lid (I used a little gladware thing) and put it in the fridge for at least 2 hours or until it's really really really stiff. The longer you wait, the easier the rolling part will be...though you'll get an arm workout prying the chocolate out of the bowl. It's totally worth it.

So, you've got some time to wait. Maybe you should order a swimsuit.

When you head back to the kitchen, arm yourself with a sturdy spoon and get ready to scoop. Get your toppings out too, whether it be cocoa powder, nuts, sprinkles, coconut, decorating sugar or powdered sugar, and place them into individual bowls. Grab a blob of chocolate and roll it into a nice, uniform ball between your palms. Drop it into your chosen topping, roll it around, then drop it onto a small cookie sheet. Don't they look pretty? Take a picture.

When you're all done rolling (it takes a bit) put the whole tray back into the fridge to set up, making sure to cover them if you plan on waiting a while before serving them. THEY'RE SO DELICIOUS I CAN HARDLY STAND IT.

Fancypants truffles, fancypants swimsuits. Perfect.